I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I guess I was bottling up so many emotions from the frustrations of the afternoon and evening, that I just couldn’t stop them. I really didn’t want you to see me crying but I couldn’t help it. And when you started to cry, well that just made it even harder.
It started off to be a good day. Morning was typical getting you guys fed, dressed and out the door for school. I got in a great workout, completed work for my clients, finished a blog post and folded 2 loads of laundry all before school pick up!
I guess it started then. When I picked you up and you told me you let your friend take home your fidget spinner. We had spoken about the rules of your toys just that morning. We had agreed that your toys do not go home with your friends, they go home with you. So of course when you said that you didn’t have it, I immediately was frustrated. We dealt with it, but I guess the frustration stayed.
Then an hour later when it was time for us to leave the house, you and your brother decided not to listen. I had to repeat myself over and over again to get you guys to listen. You know how much I love repeating myself five million times. So more frustration started boiling up within me.
Then after dinner it was time for your brother to do his homework and he wouldn’t. And he was so tired from staying up until 10pm the night before (thanks fireworks), that he was exhausted and sensitive and got irritated. And you were so tired too that even you got angry when I said it was time to get ready for bed. You didn’t want to which I get. But you needed too. But neither of you wanted to listen. So even more frustration on my part.
When we finally got you guys upstairs to get ready for bed, you and your brother started goofing around. No one was listening that it was time to wash up and brush your teeth. You just started acting silly, and your brother was egging you on. I asked you guys to stop. But did you? No. So again, I asked, and I asked until I couldn’t repeat myself anymore. The frustration was really starting to boil up at this point. And it boiled and boiled until I couldn’t take it anymore.
And then I opened my big mouth and said that I should just record myself saying things and have it on repeat play so I wouldn’t have to talk anymore. How I didn’t even need to be around because no one listened. That I don’t like not being heard and ignored. And maybe I should just leave and you and your brother can do everything on your own.
And I guess that is when you misunderstood what I meant. Or maybe I did say something I don’t even remember saying. Or maybe something came out the wrong way and not how I intended it. Because that’s when you started crying. And the words that you then said to me, broke me. You said, “mommy, why do you say you don’t like me?”
And boom. My heart exploded into a million peices. And I started to bawl. I can’t believe that is what you thought I was saying to you both. All I wanted to do is explain that it hurt my feelings when I felt ignored thinking you would understand. But you didn’t. And that devastated me. I then explained to you that no matter what I love you…I’ll like you for always…and never to think that I don’t.
I should have just left the room for a minute to breathe instead of opening my mouth. But I wanted to explain to both of them how I was feeling and how they were making me feel. If they don’t know, they will keep doing it right? If I tell them my feelings, maybe they will be more inclined next time to appreciate me and my feelings.
Your brother understood and immediately I could tell he felt sorry though he never has the words to actually tell me. But the fact that I made you cry and made you think you weren’t liked or loved. Man, I am SORRY!!! You have been hurt by my words before, and I swore I would never do it again.
And so, I cried with you. Though I don’t like showing you my tears, I couldn’t help it. I think it helped you understand that I was sad too. Because you just pulled me into you and hugged me. And kissed my cheek. And that made it all better.
xo
D
