I remember the night before surgery I lay in bed with Allen and started to bawl. All I could think about was how the next day I am going to change. My body is going to change. And that nothing would be the same again.

He told me to focus on the outcome. That the cancer would be removed. That I was doing everything I could to make sure I am healthy and around for the long term.

And he was right, but really, its nothing you can prepare yourself for.

I remember that morning so clearly. I remember waking up, packing my bag, seeing the boys and heading out the door. I didn’t say much. I was calm yet quiet. And I remained that way through the whole process. Being guided to the surgery waiting room, changing into the gown, the info session with the nurse and then sitting and waiting.

It was the sitting and waiting that got to me. I started to cry again.

The anesthesiologist came out to see me to ask me a few questions. I remember telling him to make sure he keeps me alive and to ensure I don’t have a heart attack on the table. Only me. Ms Hypochondriac.

My surgeon then came out to say hello and that she’d see me inside.

Then the nurse, who told me its time.

I remember walking down the hallway and being guided into the operating room. I remember being wow’d by all the lights, as if it was a scene out of Grey’s Anatomy. I remember the doctors saying hello, being put up on the table and being strapped in by my arms and then my legs.

I remember a mask being placed over my nose and mouth and being told to breathe in and out. Take deep breaths they said. I remember they asked me if I’m feeling my eye lids getting heavy and saying no. The next thing I knew I woke up in recovery.

I was so groggy. Could barely move. The nurse started talking to me and asking how I am, and asking questions about me and my kids. At the time I thought that was so nice of her to care. But later was told it was probably because she was trying to keep me awake.

i remember my family coming in to visit me one at a time. I remember it was hard to keep my eyes open. I was told to take my time and I wouldn’t be released until I felt I was ready to get up.

I woke up from the surgery at 1:30. I left at 4:30pm.

I remember getting home and seeing the boys and crying. And then I fell back asleep.

The next couple of weeks were a whirlwind. Lots of pain, lots of meds, lots of help around the house. I had the most supportive community of friends and family who came over to help, brought or bought us meals and desserts.

I had several layers of bandages on my right side and couldn’t feel anything. My arm could barely lift. I was numb from the chest to underarm to my back. I had a drain inside my body that was beyond uncomfortable and needed to be emptied daily. It started hurting so much I joked that it was worse than losing a breast.

But after 2 weeks, it was removed and I was completely mobile again, I started slowly walking on the treadmill and outside to get my energy levels back up.

It was a really tough time, but with the help of my community I got through it.

Another hart part of the journey was to come next and that was the removal of my bandages.

A day I was dreading. I didn’t want to see what I looked like under those bandages. But I knew that I had no choice.

I’ll share that journey next, stay tuned.

xo

D